I Need The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Silicon Geek Van

This is an excerpt from my memoir. It’s after my best friend and I take a Greyhound Bus from Williamsburg Virginia to Ventura California to see the Grateful Dead. I’m nineteen years old.

After the show Thomas and I catch a ride with some folks we meet who are traveling up North. We drive through Santa Cruz and up scenic Highway 1 to a beautiful and remote beach called Greyhound Rock.

We join a dozen or so hippies who claim the beach their temporary home. Below the craggy cliffs is the wild and dramatic Pacific Ocean. Greyhound Rock is massive rock boulder the size of a super-size whale. It reigns supreme over small rock boulders in the shoreline. Elephant seals bask in the sun, sometimes letting out a guttural grunt that sounds as awkward as they look.

Sleeping bags are scattered on the beach along the bottom of the cliff. Each day we walk a treacherous climb up the cliff to the parking lot and catch a ride to Santa Cruz where we eat at a soup kitchen and hang around town. We return to the beach and party all night. The vagrant lifestyle gets old quick.

I’m coping with anxiety and depression. I’m around people 24/7. I feel like an oddball and let me just say that if you feel like an oddball around a group of smelly hippies that live on a beach, smoke pot all day and engage in free for all dancing around a bonfire like a neolithic summer solstice celebration it’s symptomatic of a serious issue.

Thomas and I hitchhike to San Francisco to see the Jerry Garcia Band. We have no tickets. Our plan is to sneak into the venue. I am not proud of this sneaky behavior but hey, at least I didn’t hurt anyone by sneaking into a concert.

A van pulls over to pick us up. The couple looks friendly. No serial killer vibes. I step up to the rear and the walls are covered with blinking lights and panel boards covered with knobs and thingamabobs that I know nothing about. It’s a Star Trek Van being piloted by two happy Silicon Valley geeks. They hand back a joint that gets me so high I am freaking out on the panel board bling and not hearing a word of what anyone says.

Highway 1 is stunning. I see houses perched high up above the ocean with a view that takes my breath away. I think, “I’m aiming for that life.”

As we approach San Francisco the woman hands me a piece of paper. She says, “This is my brother’s address and phone number. Go stay with him. Tell him I sent you.”

After the Jerry Garcia show that we barely sneak into we knock on the brother’s door. It’s around one a.m. He opens the door. There’s a party going on. He smiles and says, “Come on in!” He doesn’t ask who we are or anything.

Up until that point in my life I had not been exposed to many gay people in the way that these guys are gay. One guy is wearing a pink wig and a pink and orange paisley dress. There’s a couple in the corner making out. It’s classic San Francisco gay scene.

I’m thinking, “Oh my god these people are great!”

One guy says to me, “Honey, is this your man? ‘Cause I got some advice for you.”

I say, “No he’s my best friend. My brother from another mother.”

He says, “Girl, why aren’t you two together? You sure look cute next to each other.”

The next morning the brother cooks us a hearty breakfast. A few party-goers are passed out in the living room. Thomas and I hitchhike back to the beach.    

A few weeks pass by. I’m at the beach camp while everyone is sleeping. I’m wide awake and very stoned. The moon is full. I can see figures moving around but I cannot tell if they are elephant seals or Charles Manson’s cronies lurching behind the rocks. I pretend to be sleeping. I reckon the Manson cronies will kill the sleeping hippies located closer to them. I’ll sneak behind the big boulder to my left and either a) find a rock to throw at them or b) run like hell.

The next day I wake up and wonder why I’m living on a beach with a crew of folks whose main vision of their future involves where to score the next joint. I return to my parent’s house.

High School Application

My thirteen year old son filled out an application for high school. His answer to the question about previous schools he attended was a brief description of the schools. Then he adds, “To be honest school is not the highlight of my life. It’s just an unfortunate part of my life.

I’m like, “You need to change this. You could say, “School is the most unpleasant activity in my life. I’m working on making it the third least unpleasant activity in my life. OR YOU COULD LEAVE IT OUT ALTOGETHER.”

Could We Just Have A Healthy Ten Or Twenty Foot Distance Between Us For Like Two Hours Minimum?”

One of my closest friends calls today. She says, “How is your Sunday going?”

I say, “My family needs to hop in the van and take a six hour drive in the country. Wayne (my husband) has requested eighteen hugs today. I’m all about hugs but anything over fifteen is hug overload. I’m relaxing on the deck. The kids have this thing where they come out every five minutes and say,  Hi Mom. Then they laugh like it’s the most fucking hilarious thing they ever did. I’m like the charm wore off fifteen Hi Moms ago. Geez. I’m a class A jerk. But I do love my family. From a distance.

Bradley Cooper Could Be My Sponsor

I’ve decided to quit drinking. I think my life will be much more rewarding without alcohol. It’s a depressant. I need positive relaxation like meditation and yoga and squeezing a ball that has an image of an evil man on it which I will not disclose.

I’m going to reach out to Bradley Cooper. Ask him if he’ll be my sponsor. I’ll be like, “I’m married. This is simply me wanting to sober up. A beautiful kind face with striking blue eyes helps in the recovery process. It’s science, man. What do you say?”

Story Pitch

I am so excited to discover that my town has its own version of Moth Radio, the storytelling show.

The group meets at different venues around town. Certain submissions are picked and the people tell their stories. 

The theme of the next one is immigration.

This is my pitch. I would love feedback.

My great-great grandfather’s name is Kris Kringle. He immigrated from Denmark in (?)

My mother had a photo of him. He had a long beard. He was wearing a tall top hat. He was surrounded by his twelve children outside of his farmhouse in Denmark.

He fathered his youngest child at some stupidly old age, like 76.

I know nothing of this man except that there was a time Denmark changed its sir name system because there were too many Sorensons and Eriksons. People were told to pick a name. Kris Kringle picked Kringle because they lived on Kringle Creek.

One day I got the big idea to try and find the farmhouse on Google Maps and Earth.

After many hours I found Kringle Creek. Lo and behold there’s an old farmhouse B&B run by Hazel Kringle. I messaged her. Turns out we’re related.

My dream trip is a visit to that B&B. It’s just a hop, skip and a jump from the fjords in Norway.