Stupid Things I’ve Done

I’m thinking about writing a book called Stupid Things I’ve Done. I will gather stories from friends and family and maybe Ellen and Clooney for the star power potential.

My stories for the book will include:

The time many years ago I was at my boyfriend’s house. We borrowed his mother’s Cadillac. I’m backing out of the driveway and neglect to realize there’s a car parked behind us. I slam into it. After that our relationship went on a major southward spiral.

The time in school when I was reading aloud in class and I referred to Arkansas as Ar-kansas. 

The time I was asked to leave my husband’s band gig because I got caught sneaking in liquor. The reason I was caught is because the waitress asked me if I’d like a drink and I responded, “No thanks. I brought my own.”

Tearing the house apart looking for my glasses when they are on my head.

The grand prize is the time I got pulled over for speeding 72 in a 55 zone. I thought the speed limit was 65. The officer says, “Ma’am do you know how fast you were going? Seventy-two miles per hour.”

I say, “I thought I was going much faster than that” because in my head that wasn’t speeding.

At the court hearing the judge asks the police officer if I was cooperative. The offiicer says, “Yes she was. In fact she told me she thought she was going faster than she was.”

The entire courtroom busted out laughing.

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