I formulated a non-toxic and effective mosquito repellent called F-Off! I spent a year researching the formula. It works really well! I sell it at a farmer’s market up the street. I’ve earned enough money to go consignment store shopping on the 75% off day. Maybe it will take off next year.
I sent Bill Gates an email advising him that I have been working on child abuse cases for eighteen years and for that I deserve one of his billions. I also advised him that my F-Off! Repellent is right in line with the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation’s disease prevention efforts in Africa. I told him I could change the name to Ebolaway! I never heard back from him. I’m going to send a follow-up email.
I play the lottery. I never used to play the lottery because I have a better chance of scoring a billion dollars from Bill Gates. Whenever I purchase a ticket I look up to the universe and I say, “Have mercy. Please let this ticket be the winning numbers. I promise to give all of it away except the calculated amount that I need to quit my job and live comfortably. I will volunteer at soup kitchens. I’ll start going to church. The Quaker church where you just walk in and sit in silence. No small talk in the narthex after the service because they have no narthex. It’s a friends meeting house. You just walk out of the front door and you’re done. A no contact church is my kind of church. Actually, I could sit quietly in my den and get the same results.”
I asked my thirteen year old son if he would like to model robes for Ralph Lauren even though it goes against all of my morals. He says, “No fucking way am I modeling.”