Do You Offer Mouth Epidurals?

I get an F minus as a dental patient. I’ve had so much work done that I suffer from post-traumatic dental  work disorder. I took an extended break. Today I went for my six year cleaning. Also, I have a toothache.

They took around twenty x-rays of my mouth with the “new and improved technology” that benefits dentists but not the receiver of a metal contraption that is poking my gums while I am supposed to bite down thereby increasing the poking to a degree that is unbearable.

I choked and pulled it out. “I REALLY CAN’T HANDLE THIS!”

“Just relax and breath through your nose.”

“This is as relaxing as the time I saw AC/DC and I thought my ears were exploding while simultaneously watching two girls next to me break out into a full-on brawl complete with hair-pulling.”

“Ma’am we have to do the x-rays.”

“No you don’t.”

“Yes we do.”

“Do you have any Morphine?”

“Hahaha. Lean back and open up.”


This does not resemble the scene today.

The nice dentist comes in and starts beating on my teeth with a metal hammer. “Ma’am does this hurt?”

No but when it does I may fly out of this chair and destroy things.”

“Ma’am you need teeth extracted and gum cleaning. Hopefully, you don’t need gum surgery.”

“Nobody is cutting my gums. I’ll floss a hundred times a day. I’ll gargle with tea tree oil which for the record is not pleasant. Gum surgery is lower on my list than open heart surgery.”

“Let’s go make an appointment for the extractions.”

“Okay. The last time I had a tooth extracted they used nitrous oxide. I’ve used nitrous recreationally in the past. It’s fun at a party after a few drinks. Nitrous is not fun when a dentist has a pair of heavy duty pliers yanking a tooth out of your mouth. Do you offer an epidural for the mouth? It worked well when I had my c-sections.”

2 thoughts on “Do You Offer Mouth Epidurals?

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