Why I Hate My Job

Other than the child abuse subject matter these are a few reasons:

The office manager tells me I cannot key my time on my time card as 8:30 to 4:30 every day. She says, “You need to key it 8:25 to 4:25 or 8:28 to 4:28. It can’t be 8:30 to 4:30 every day.” I say, “What if I actually arrive at 8:30?” “Doesn’t matter. It needs to be different each day.” This is the kind of stupidity that makes my head explode. I’m sure the human resources staff that handles around six thousand time cards is paying attention to my time card and wondering how I manage to work from 8:30 on the dot to 4:30 every day.

The attorney that does this:

Attorney:  What time is the hearing today?

Me: I’m not sure. I don’t have the file.

Attorney:  I’ll go look it up. Would you like to join me to observe the hearing?

Me:  Sure

The attorney tells me the hearing is at 10:40. She comes to my cubicle at 9:15 and asks me if I’m ready. I figure there is a reason she wants to leave so early.

We arrive to the courtroom. The attorney that’s covering the case tells us the hearing is not for an hour. The attorney I’m with looks my way and yells, “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME?” On the trip back to the office I avoid the uncomfortable silence of WTF Just Happened by telling the attorney I’ve recently gotten into cooking Persian food. I describe in detail the dish I made the night before. It had turmeric and oregano and toasted cumin seeds in olive oil drizzled on top. I don’t think she was paying attention.

The case I received with a child named ABCDE. It’s pronounced “Absidy”. That poor child will have to spell her name for the rest of her life and it will be embarrassing every time. “It’s spelled ABCDE.”

I’m surrounded by fifteen lawyers. That’s lawyer overload. One day I say to a lawyer, “Have you ever said to a judge, “You be the judge. I would be tempted to say that.” He stared at me like I’m a crazy person.

The office provides coffee and tea but no vodka. They are so uptight.

My favorite attorney Katie retired. We used to sit in her office and laugh our heads off. She was in love with the actor Denis Leary. She had a framed photo of him with a hand-drawn bubble that says, “I just love that Katie.” She was waiting for the day he would sweep her of her feet so she could quit her shitty child abuse job. It never happened. Shocking, I know.


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